Nothing could of been more impactfull to my life than Alice in Chains. I had grown up in a christian household in which I was not around rock music like AIC. There was never a desire to listen to metal until I was a tween and my bestie turned me onto Motley Crue. There was a lot of resistance on my part, but having friends was more important than the way I was raised. So, I started my way down the path of self destruction, having tossed aside my beliefs.
So I experimented with music then cigarettes in the early days of my teenage years, following my friends as they went about their ways. I went along but felt awful about it. My spirit was repulsed by the music, profanity and experimenting with pot and alcohol. It was terrifying at times and I was disgusted by it all but felt like I didn’t have a choice. After awhile, I just layed into the scene, becoming an integral part of the party life. It was not the way I wanted to live.
About that time, I had become numb to the way I was living, doing the best I could to stay apart of the world around me. Listening to metal hair bands wasn’t apart of my playlist after awhile. One day I was at a girlfriends house and her sister was playing AIC Dirt and I fell in love. It wasn’t hard because it’s an excellent album and I fell in love with it. I had found comfort with different kinds of music and AIC was no different listening to it frontwards and backwards again and again.
I have never felt such frustration
Or lack of self control
I want you to kill me
And dig me under, I want to live no more
One who doesn’t care is one who shouldn’t be
I’ve tried to hide myself from what is wrong for me
The lyrics were right up my alley because I was so down and out from being apart of a world I never wanted to be apart of. Suicidal thoughts plagued me already, then listening to AIC’s music was like the last nail in my coffin. The words were so relatable for me, and I loved the sound.
My friends changed but not the behaviours. The new group of pally’s I had made friends with in HS adored AIC too. We listened to their music all the time, saturating ourselves in its hypnotic grooves.
I licked the bottom of life with help from AIC, musing about suicide consistently and burying myself within it’s tunes. There would never be another time of lowliness than when I was obsessed with AIC. Eventually, I stopped listening to them and never touched it again until this last year. I love them but don’t feel the same way as I did back in the day, gratefully. I’m sad that Layne Stayle killed himself, and glad I didn’t join him. I’m always going to love them for the dark beauty their music is, but never will I go down that black hole again. NLM